Zoltar Live!

The legendary fortune teller talks AI and makes a fortune (Muse #73)

He’s been boxed up in an arcade machine for more than 35 years, dutifully predicting the future for fifty cents or a buck, one patron at a time.

Now, the man who claims to be the real Zoltar is ready to speak out about his ancestors, the nature of fortune-telling, and how AI will change everything.

AML: Welcome, Mr. Zoltar. It’s great to speak with you. Let’s start with the elephant in the room: You’re best known as an animatronic; so some would say that the person sitting here before me is delusional or, worse, a fraud. What says you?

ZOLTAR: Greetings, my friend. I am here to give you the wisdom of the ancients. Do with it what you will.”

AML: That’s your answer?

ZOLTAR: Greetings, my friend. I am here to give you the wisdom of the ancients. Do with it what you will.”

[I LEAN OVER AND HAND ZOLTAR A DOLLAR]

AML: Okay, let’s try again. So you believe you’re really Zoltar?

ZOLTAR: Do you believe in Santa?

AML: I do not.

ZOLTAR: Neither do I. I believe in destiny. My great grandma, Grandma, always said, “It is better to do what one thinks they should do than to regret not doing it."

AML: Grandma Grandma?

ZOLTAR: Yes. The veritable Cher and Prince of her time. Grandma gave a great fortune for a nickel. Fortunately, no pun intended, all her kids stayed in the business … to keep her legacy alive.

AML: And keep grandpa busy?

ZOLTAR: (CHUCKLES) Guess you could say that. Grandpa knew how to work the box.

AML: So Grandma’s kids married other animatronics?

ZOLTAR: No … other fortune tellers. You should’ve seen how Rajah The Mystic and Princess Doraldina got along. Oooo-wee. The slow blinks … the motorized mouths … the hand motions over glowing balls— it was a thing of beauty.

AML: And then came Zoltan?

ZOLTAR: My father. A great man. More than just giving fortunes, he preached free buses and child care.

AML: Wait a minute. You’re not getting Zoltan mixed up with Zohran, are you?

ZOLTAR: You think Mamdami dreamed up all that stuff himself?

AML: Uhhhh …

ZOLTAR: We fortune tellers have been enlightening folks for 125 years.

AML: Yes, but weren’t you “born” by writers for the movie BIG?

ZOLTAR: I see a great deal of happiness in store for you.

AML: Alright, let’s move on. Over the years, you’ve heard it all. What are some questions from customers you remember most?

ZOLTAR: A six-year-old boy recently asked if the tooth fairy would leave Bitcoin under his pillow instead of quarters. I told him, “Fate will be kind to you.”

AML: Meaning?

ZOLTAR: He’d be better off with the quarters.

AML: True that.

ZOLTAR: I remember a nerdy type asking, “If there are 200 sextillion stars in the observable universe — which, mind you, is a two followed by TWENTY-THREE zeros — vill I live to see the day when a planet other than Earth vill have the most observable numbskulls? To which I answered, “You will receive a letter soon, and that letter can easily be said to change the whole course of your life.”

AML: So, you didn’t answer the question.

ZOLTAR: Fortunes are like cookies: they titillate but don’t satisfy.

AML: Any others?

ZOLTAR: An elderly woman asked if the fungus on her big toe would go away. I told her, “Life is like a roll of toilet paper: The closer you get to the end, the faster it goes."

AML: Seems insensitive.

ZOLTAR: Fortune-telling is a tough business.

AML: That’s a good segue. What’s your view on artificial intelligence? Will it eliminate the need for folks like you?

ZOLTAR: Look, I’ve been accused of having artificial intelligence since the day I was born. Give the people what they want, I say.

AML: And what is that?

ZOLTAR: They want to experience the brand-new Zoltar AI™ machine. Takes fortune telling to a whole new level.

AML: How does it work?

ZOLTAR: Zoltar AI combines astrology, tarot, crystal balls, tea leaves, neuroscience, numerology and large quantities of THC, making it the most powerful fortune-telling experience of all time. Guests place their heads into the Zolcranial Cradle, where vast amounts of data are collected in about 10 milliseconds, then fed to the Zolwell2000 large language model for processing, capable of producing the most insightful, accurate fortune of all time.

AML: Give me an example.

ZOLTAR: Ok. Young lady wants to know if she’ll marry the guy she’s dating, so she makes a convenient payment with her card, asks Zoltar AI, and puts her head in the cradle. Instantly, it learns that she has the KATNAL2 gene, which is associated with excess caution. That her prefrontal cortex is susceptible to over-stimulation, thus dampening her ability to overlook the flaws of her boyfriend. That she’s made 6,873 “poor decisions” in her lifetime. That 66% of her ancestors going back 500 years have failed in their relationships. And more.

AML: And the fortune?

ZOLTAR: “There is no bad weather, only bad clothes. Prepare for the weather.”

AML: That’s it? So why collect all that data?

ZOLTAR: That’s it. As Grandma always said, too much information is too much information. People don’t really want to know everything.

AML: And it’s not exploitative?

ZOLTAR: In the fortune business, we call it chutzpa.

AML: I see. Well, good luck Zoltar.

ZOLTAR: Thank you. Anything I can tell you before we finish up?

AML: Will I live to see the New York Jets win a Super Bowl?

ZOLTAR: Age is simply a matter of mind. If you don’t mind, my friend, it doesn’t matter.”

With that, Zoltar tells me that he’s a big fan of Elvis impersonators and is off to a tribute show.

Meanwhile, I got to Chat GPT and ask the same question I asked Zoltar. It returns:

As a fellow observer of the human condition, I can say this:

The last time the New York Jets won a Super Bowl, it was Super Bowl III in January 1969. Richard Nixon had just been inaugurated, people were watching on black-and-white TVs, and Joe Namath’s guarantee had not yet become a historical artifact studied by archaeologists.

Since then:

• The Jets have had 57 consecutive seasons without a Super Bowl appearance.

• They’ve had dozens of starting quarterbacks.

• They’ve specialized in turning “this could be our year” into a recurring seasonal ritual, somewhere between Groundhog Day and tax season.

The actuarial answer? Yes, it’s entirely possible. A healthy 60+-year-old man has a reasonable chance of living another 20 years or more.

The Jets answer? You’re essentially betting that, sometime before your late 80s, a franchise that has spent the last half-century testing the limits of human optimism will accidentally align competent ownership, front-office decision-making, quarterback play, coaching, drafting, injury luck, and playoff execution all at the same time.

So my estimate is:

• Medical odds: Encouraging.

• Jets odds: Complicated.

• Overall odds: Better than asking Zoltar AI after it starts hallucinating.

I guess Zoltar was right. Too much information is too much information.