Talking To Yourself About Talking to Yourself
And what your dog thinks about what you're saying (Muse #74)
Ever found yourself talking to yourself about how you’re talking to yourself?
I seem to do it all the time.
ME: We should go grab a pizza from Frank Pepe’s for lunch today.
MYSELF: Who’s “we?”
ME: We is me.
MYSELF: Me and who else? “We” is two people.
ME: Ok, me and el cerebellum.
MYSELF: You talk to a Mexican brain person?
ME: It was a joke.
MYSELF: Didn’t land.
ME: Alright, should’ve said I should order a pizza from Pepe’s. Got lazy.
MYSELF: I as in me?
ME: Yes, me.
MYSELF: Richard E! Don’t start that again.
ME: Did you just do the parenting scold thing on yourself?
MYSELF: Me?
ME: Yes, you.
MYSELF: You can’t parent yourself.
ME: Why not?
MYSELF: Because parenting is about guiding someone else.
ME: How ‘bout the person who’s not me in “we?” That’s someone else.
ME: Who?
MYSELF: It.
ME: Why?
MYSELF: I don’t know.
ME: I?
MYSELF: Okay: I, me, Richard and we are all talking to myself.
ME? Solves that. How ‘bout that pizza?
MYSELF: Do you know how many carbs are in a small pie?
ME: Who’s you?
MYSELF: Me.
ME: Forget the pizza.
Damn pronouns.
According to some dubious research reported in Psychology Today, people who address themselves by their own name when talking to themselves increase their chances of success in giving speeches, self-promotion, and so forth.
Rich, you need to practice that damn speech.
Ok, I can buy that.
An even more dubious study conducted by Huy Fong Foods claims that people who purchase its flagship Sriracha Sauce are 10 times more likely to slur their words when they talk to themselves, which they report with pride.
And a roundup of other questionable research reveals:
Up to 90% of the time that people talk to themselves is consumed in rehearsing “sensitive” conversations they will never have, or which will be sidetracked within seconds of ever starting
People increasingly talk to themselves because they dislike it when others don’t agree with them, and even then, they only agree with themselves 62% of the time
Folks who talk to themselves in a foreign language that they actually don’t speak are 50 times more likely to say something that nobody will understand
Studies aside, there are times when talking to yourself can get pretty heated.
Ever write something you thought was pretty good — could’ve been three paragraphs, an email, or a note — and then suddenly lose it to a computer crash of some kind?
ME: I had the perfect paragraph, and now it’s fuckin’ gone. Damn you, computer!
MYSELF: Just write it over again, what’s the big deal?
ME: Write it over again? Are you crazy! It was so good the first time.
MYSELF: Maybe it’ll be even better the second time.
ME: It can’t be! It flowed naturally; it was organic; it was fresh-baked; it was meant to be.
MYSELF: Okay, suck it up and recreate it you loser.
ME: You can’t reverse engineer brilliance! I’m trying so hard to remember what I wrote, but it’s just not happenin’.
MYSELF: Don’t try to recreate it. Just create something new.
ME: You’re an idiot!
MYSELF: You’re calling yourself an idiot?
ME: Yes. It’s like driving 10 minutes from home, then realizing you left your phone on your desk, so you have to go back and get it, and the reverse drive feels like an eternity because you’ve already driven it once just moments ago, even though it’s still just 10 minutes. It’s an awful feeling.
MYSELF: That’s a pretty dumb analogy.
ME: It’s demoralizing. It’s frustrating. It’s like being punched in the gut.
MYSELF: It’s three paragraphs. Why are you turning it into an apocalypse, you wuss?
ME: You just don’t understand.
MYSELF: At the same time, yes, I do.
An interesting thing about a conversation like this is that the outcome is always the same: which is to say, it provides no comfort, no action plan, just a way to vent when you know whining to someone else will produce sympathy that’s so contrived it only makes it worse.
Which is the polar opposite of those who talk to themselves using their dogs as a person-placebo.
I don’t know, should I get in some exercise, Bella, or do it tomorrow? There’s a 7.5% chance it’ll rain. I think there was a rabid albino skunk cited in the neighborhood. And if I reinjure my calf muscle, I’ll be sidelined for months. Yes, I know that injury happened 12 years ago, but you never know.
Though their dog can’t respond, there is an implied permission slip for something closer to a two-way dialogue. That quizzical look on the dog’s face is not confusion; it’s love.
Then there’s talking in your sleep. Growing up, I shared a very small bedroom with my brother, who’s always had 10x more body mass and muscle as I do. He wouldn’t just talk in his sleep; out of character, he’d sometimes have violent, loud, enraged flare-ups, forcing me to hide under my covers, trembling in utter fear.
I can’t remember exactly the things he said, but it was something like “I’m gonna scalp you with a lathe,” or “get ready to have every knuckle broken, one by one.” I always wondered if he was truly talking to himself out loud, or dreaming about a Texas Chainsaw movie.
Either way, this is perhaps the most productive form of talking to oneself, as it can be so fragmented, weirdly specific and completely unmoored from reality that it can’t be judged and is, in fact, liberating.
So what does it all mean? You decide.
Truth be told, I had prepared a better ending. Then I talked myself out of it.
MYSELF: You always do this.
ME: Oh well. I, we, me, and Richard E stand by the decision.
ME: This was funny.
MYSELF: Just funny?
ME: Fine. Really funny.
MYSELF: You sure you're not just saying that?
ME: I stand by it. I, we, and Neela stand by it. 😂