Muse #9 - Protest Therapy
What lefties teach us about airing anger
When news hit that right-handedness would become the official handedness of the United States, the left-handed community (the “lefties”) was incensed.
Not only did they view it as an affront to their identities, they also believed it to be a blatant violation of their equal rights protections, for the Executive Order that put it in place was clearly intended to galvanize sentiment against the left hand and strip those who have one of their freedoms.
Joe Regular is himself a lefty, as is about 10% of everyone else. Until now, he had never viewed left-handedness as anything but a quirk … a trait of someone “whose brain is mirrored like the logo on his Zoom video conferencing screen” (the cause and remedy for which he continuously struggles to understand).
So he is keen to uncover what the righties have in mind in pushing to marginalize the lefties. In doing so, he learns that left-handedness is largely a preference, though some combination of genetics, biology, and the environment may be at play. And he uncovers that the Bible often associates the right hand with strength and power; God’s preference, if you will. Though matters of choice and faith have bred conflict before, he struggles to believe that an effort would be made to keep lefties at arm’s length over that.
Before long, however, the intentions of the order become clearer — and Joe’s bewilderment quickly morphs into anger. The proposed edict includes:
Initiating a "Left-Handed Compliance Tax" to be levied for “excessive use” of any non-government-approved hand.
Prohibiting all federally-funded schools from teaching the work of famous lefties, such as Da Vinci, Lincoln, and Einstein.
Outlawing any self-pleasure with the left hand, punishable by caning.
Making left-handed golf clubs manufactured by TaylorMade illegal.
Reversing the accepted theory that right-brainers are more creative and left-brainers more analytical, so that right-brainers can claim to be “very smart people,” too.
Learning of this, lefties nationwide coalesce on social media and plan protests throughout the country. Their voice must be heard. This injustice must not stand.
Joe feels obligated to attend a rally in his hometown — which, when he gets there, has a small but significant crowd in attendance. Despite the modest turnout, the outrage brewing beneath the surface is palpable. The mood is urgent. The fever is high.
There are signs: some of which were undoubtedly made with remnants of their latest Amazon delivery and a marker, but minutes before being unveiled outside. Others are more polished. They say things like Lefties Deserve a Hand! … Lefties Have Fingers, Too! … Stop Righty Handouts … and, Lefties Give You the Finger! Surveying the crowd, Joe thinks they could be much better.
Then the sounds of an impassioned voice come beaming through a bullhorn to get the rally going.
“Lefties! Whatta we want?” … expecting a call and response.
People in the crowd begin to murmur beneath their breath some possibilities: “To be lefty alone?” “Lefty power?” “Ambidexterity now?” “To win the lottery?” “Righty remorse?” It sounds like a crowd that doesn’t have its shit together.
The speaker chimes in: “We want normalcy! And when do we want it?”
“NOW!” the crowd shouts. “Whatta we want?” he shouts again. “Normalcy!” the crowd responds. “When do we want it?” “NOW!”
Then, for about 30 minutes the rally is subjected to speakers talking about the indignity of lefty suppression, the perils of limp or sweaty left-handed handshakes, concern over what happens if your name is Lefty, and the importance of supporting left-handed members of government — which, unfortunately, there is no directory to turn to for guidance. Judging by the volume of signs that start making their way to the ground, the speeches are failing to stoke much public display of true passion.
But then the local TV station arrives in its mobile news van. With its satellite dish anchored to its roof, one could easily think it will be beaming images and voices of the rally to the farthest corners of the globe — when in reality, they won’t get much beyond the edge of town, where the Chuck E. Cheese and cannabis dispensary can be found (perhaps not coincidentally), about twenty miles away.
Minutes later, a camera’s red light beams on, signaling a call akin to “action!” and the crowd turns into a hot pot of near-foaming radicals voicing their rage.
In unison, this time they chant: “Hey, hey, ho, ho, right-hand extremism has to go!”
“We are …” “Lefties!” “We are …” “Lefties!” “We are …” “Lefties!”
And: “Lefties make America great … even though our handwriting sucks!”
There are interviews with the correspondent: “A righty proclamation is unacceptable!” says one rallyer. “What’s next? A posthumous pardon for the Unabomber? Where does this end? Where’s the anger? Where’s the response?”
As fast as the cameras have come, however, their lights go dark and the air gets sucked out of the rally — which a mere 20 minutes later dissipates.
To Joe Regular, the whole thing has been a form of performance art. Nothing is likely to change as a result of the day’s event — even if it ends up on TikTok, X, and Reels screens far and wide. Seems to him, it’s just another display of selective outrage, which he concedes that more often than not, will have a shelf life of a matter of days — if that long.
Yet, he has no regrets. For a short period, he’s felt the comfort of belonging to a community, has had his identity affirmed, and has activated a coping mechanism for venting his deeply unsettled emotions.
So he returns home, grabs a pen, and begins to practice writing right-handed. Not because he’s giving up. He’s preparing to join the resistance — whatever that means.
Yes, Joe is now determined to actually do something.